Thursday, June 28, 2012

Letting Go

I've been carrying around a lot of stress, negativity and hurt feelings lately. I need to release it.
I've always been a person who holds grudges. If someone crosses me, real or percieved, I'm done. The proof in that is a year ago when I walked away from an 11yr friendship becuase of several nasty things that were said about me. No explanations, no second chances, I'm done.
Even so, I held on to that anger for quite some time. Perhaps I'm still holding on to it a bit. Letting go feels like forgiveness and forgiveness has always felt like acceptance to me. It's an issue, I know.

But, the negativity that I've carried around the past month or so, has not benefitted me at all. In fact, I think it is holding me back quite a bit. I need to let go. I can not control the actions of other people, I can only control how I react to them. I have to just accept that not everyone handles things the way I do, and that doesnt make them wrong and me right. It's just who we are. I'll never get an apology that I feel I deserve, so I have to just accept that I know my truth, and move on with intergrity

So, to all the people I've been holding grudges against, most of whom had no idea...I'm letting go and moving forward from a place of positivity.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Cutting Myself Some Slack

I found myself beating myself up tonight.
I didn't get out of bed and run my 8miles this morning
It got too hot for me to go out during the day
When I finally did go out at 7:30, I only managed 3.5 miles before I called it a day.

It wasn't "good enough". I found myself disapointed that I gave up when I probably could have pounded out 2 more miles. I probably could have, but I didn't.
Did I "give in"?
Should I have done another loop around the park, even though I was tired and hot, and my fingers were starting to swell, my whole body is still sore from my weight workout Monday night, and my plantar fasciitis is still being a persnickty bitch and I have a 10k coming up in a week?

But maybe I should just be happy that I got out there and did what I did, and let it go. It's 3.5 more miles than I had done this morning. It's 3.5 more miles than a lot of other people did today.
There's always another day, another week, another month to log the miles. There is no finish line...I'm training for life.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Running While Female

I run solo. It's not so much that I prefer it, it's just the way it is. My pace, and schedule, and location doesn't lend itself to running partners. It's just always been this way. It's what I know. It's what I'm used to. So, I never really think about safety issues. That is, until I hear stories about women like Sherry Arnold and Sarah Hart. Women, mothers, wives, daughters, who were just out doing something they loved.
It makes me angry that we, as women, face more threats than men do. No one writes blogs giving men safety advice when they are out running alone. No one tells a man he is stupid for going out at 5:30am alone for a 5 miler. Men don't think about checking in with a friend so someone knows where they are. But there it is, ingrained in girls as soon as they are young enough to venture out on their own.
I can remember being a teenager and getting caught sneaking out to go to a party with my friend. When her mom caught us, one of the biggest things she was angry about was not knowing where we were. She kept saying, what if we hadn't made it back...she wouldn't have even known where to start looking. That we had to always make sure someone knew where we were. It stuck with me to the point that it's now something I tell my own daughter.

I will fully admit that I don't do enough to ensure my safety when I'm out running. I just seem to have a Bad Ass mentality that no one is going to do anything to me. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe that most people are good.

That being said, I need to do more.
I run pretty much the same route. I have ways of making it longer or shorter, depending on the day, but it's the same basic route. However, I realized while talking to my husband over the weekend, that even though I run the same roads 3-4 days a week...he has no idea what those roads are, or what my running schedule is. He doesn't know which days are long runs, and which are short runs. That's something that needs to change.

I always try to be aware of my enviroment. I look at everyone I meet and give a head nod, a wave, a hello...some type of acknowledgment that I see them. Even so....I've been caught off gaurd. I've had people come "out of no where" or the sun in my face and I didnt see them. It always shakes me a little when this happens.
The biggest thing I have to kick myself for is talking to people in cars. I must stop doing that. It doesn't matter if someone things I'm rude because I didn't tell them where the local fast food breakfast place was. my safety is more important.
I have had people stop and ask for directions before and I've given them, but one the middle of the day, on a busy street, in front of the fire dept of all places...I had a guy pull over and ask me if I needed a ride. I couldn't hear what he was saying, so I approached the car and leaned down. I should have kept walking and ignored him. Of course I didn't want a ride, and I said as much and walked away, but in the time I took to find out what he wanted, something very bad could have happen
Lesson here...Be a bitch. I do not have to be the polite little southern girl I was raised to be. Who cares if someone I don't know, and will likely never see again, thinks I'm rude. It's better than my family having to identify my body later.

I love running. I don't want to be scared away from it. I want to feel like I can walk out my front door and come back 10 miles later, unscathed.

I will be making changes to how I run. I will make sure someone knows my route, and my schedule.

Thursday, June 14, 2012


Yesterday was not a good day.
I have a lot of stresses right now, that running would probably help, but I haven't been able to run as much as I want because of nagging Plantar Fasciitis, scheduling, and yes, the goddamn Atlanta humidity. I've always been a southern girl. ALWAYS loved the south. Always said I'd never live anywhere else. But, I swear, I loved the south a whole lot more before I was a runner. Now I'm thinking the west coast is calling me (I left my heart in San Francisco)

So, things that are currently stressing me out...

My best friend and "sole sister" might not be able to make it down for the Peachtree. I miss her so much, and all I want to do is buy her  plane ticket and get her down here, but I can't really afford to do that either. It's making me really sad.

There's someone else in my life who has turned out to not be who I thought they were. This person said some unbelievably cruel things to me under the guise of  someone else said them, and she was just passing it along. She makes sure to get her back handed compliments, or flat out digs in whenever she can. She presents herself s this wonderful, positive, person, but she is not. She is petty, and vindictive, and will not think twice about ripping a person to shreds if she feels they have crossed her. I thought we were friends, but now I think she just saw me as someone who could benefit her. I think I've benefited her as much as I can, and now she is pushing me out. I'm ready to go, but I have a few more ducks that need to be lined up before I make the jump, so I have to smile and play the game and sometimes I think it is killing me. I am so incredibly unhappy, and my REAL friends are concerned for me and want me to just cut ties with this person, NOW.

I'm so tired of the bullshit. I just want to run, and dance.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

"Believe in me, 'Cause I want to be someone to believe in"

My old friend self doubt has come to visit.
I don't know why I do this to myself. I get an idea. I get excited about it. It takes over my thoughts and it's all I can talk about. Then all it can take is ONE person not sharing that excitement and I start to second guess myself.
Why am I the person who can make this happen? What makes me so damn special when there are a million other people out there who could do the same thing? Why hasn't anyone else done this if it's such a good idea?
Then I talk myself out of whatever it was. Then I go through a period of sadness over not going for it. And finally convince myself that it was better I didn't try anyway. What if I had failed? I can't have another thing I fail at.

But where is the success in never trying?