So...

Yesterday was not a good day.
I have a lot of stresses right now, that running would probably help, but I haven't been able to run as much as I want because of nagging Plantar Fasciitis, scheduling, and yes, the goddamn Atlanta humidity. I've always been a southern girl. ALWAYS loved the south. Always said I'd never live anywhere else. But, I swear, I loved the south a whole lot more before I was a runner. Now I'm thinking the west coast is calling me (I left my heart in San Francisco)

So, things that are currently stressing me out...

My best friend and "sole sister" might not be able to make it down for the Peachtree. I miss her so much, and all I want to do is buy her  plane ticket and get her down here, but I can't really afford to do that either. It's making me really sad.

There's someone else in my life who has turned out to not be who I thought they were. This person said some unbelievably cruel things to me under the guise of  someone else said them, and she was just passing it along. She makes sure to get her back handed compliments, or flat out digs in whenever she can. She presents herself s this wonderful, positive, person, but she is not. She is petty, and vindictive, and will not think twice about ripping a person to shreds if she feels they have crossed her. I thought we were friends, but now I think she just saw me as someone who could benefit her. I think I've benefited her as much as I can, and now she is pushing me out. I'm ready to go, but I have a few more ducks that need to be lined up before I make the jump, so I have to smile and play the game and sometimes I think it is killing me. I am so incredibly unhappy, and my friends....my REAL friends are concerned for me and want me to just cut ties with this person, NOW.

I'm so tired of the bullshit. I just want to run, and dance.

"Believe in me, 'Cause I want to be someone to believe in"

My old friend self doubt has come to visit.
I don't know why I do this to myself. I get an idea. I get excited about it. It takes over my thoughts and it's all I can talk about. Then all it can take is ONE person not sharing that excitement and I start to second guess myself.
Why am I the person who can make this happen? What makes me so damn special when there are a million other people out there who could do the same thing? Why hasn't anyone else done this if it's such a good idea?
Then I talk myself out of whatever it was. Then I go through a period of sadness over not going for it. And finally convince myself that it was better I didn't try anyway. What if I had failed? I can't have another thing I fail at.

But where is the success in never trying?

The Heat is On!

Well, there's no getting around it...Summer has hit Atlanta; with a vengeance!

The humidity the past couple of weeks has ZAPPED my speed and endurance. I've been struggling to get through a 5/8/5 schedule.
It's strange to go from a half marathon, to struggling through 5 miles. I haven't even been able to run a full 8. I've been doing a 3/2 interval on those days.

I didn't lose any outdoor run time this winter. It was just a perfect winter for running. The temps stayed in the 50's most days. Even on the "cold" days, I could get by wearing capris and a light long sleeve tech shirt. Most of the time I'd come home too hot.
That really should have been a sign that summer was coming hard and fast. One look at my Daily Mile log and you'll see that all I seem to do lately is bitch about the heat. The last fantastic run I had was in April, when I ran the 10k across the Golden Gate Bridge. I day dream about that race. I'd do it every year.

But, this IS Atlanta, and there is simply no getting around the heat and humidity. Stopping for the summer isn't an option, so I just have to suck it up and do it.

The miracle isn't that I finished, or started, it's that I kept putting one foot in front of the other and got the miles I wanted in.

I've got my own demons, I don't need yours

This needs to be said.
Not that many years ago, I was a size 2. I had 3 kids under the age of 10 that I was raising practically on my own due to my husband's travel schedule. I worked at a gym and taught 2 classes a day. Three days a week I left the gym and went to a martial arts class, where I eventually earned a Brown Belt.
I was thin. I was pointed to as the ideal body type to strive for at the gym I worked at. What people didn't know.... I had no energy. I had to co-teach my classes because I couldn't get through them. Going up the stairs got me winded and left my heart racing to the point where my Dr. insisted I get an EKG to check my heart. My hips stuck out. My stomach was flat, but you could also count my ribs. My collar bone protruded, and my cheeks were sunken. I had dark circles under my eyes. I couldn't left the weights in the Body Pump class that I was teaching. I was too busy keeping up the facade to take care of myself.
I burnt out.

I stopped everything and gain 50lbs. I gained it 5lbs at a time, so I didn't see it so much at first. Then one day I realized I was 150lbs, and unhappy.

It started slow. First I started ballroom dancing. Then running. Then I went to Zumba and fell in love with that. Before long I was asked to develop and teach a weight class. I started that in Jan. Along the way, I found myself. I found a healthier version of that girl I was 7yrs ago.  I didn't lose a lot of weight, because i was building the muscle my body so desperately wanted and needed. I did lose though. I went from a size 14 to an 8. If I never lose another dress size I will be happy.

I carry my class. Me! There's no instructor beside me to to "take the hard songs".

I'm a runner. For the first time in my life I can say that. I can scream it from the mountain tops. I AM A RUNNER. And it doesn't matter that it takes me 3 and a half hours to finish a half marathon, I still crossed the same finish line that the first place runner crossed. It was my legs that carried me the distance. It was my lungs that breathed in oxygen. It was my heart that pumped the blood through my body.
A body that is not perfect, but that is mine and I am proud of.

So, if my muffin has a little more top than you would like...well, first you are delusional about what a real woman looks like. Second, you can kiss my fat ass. If that offends you, well, saying things like "With all the running she says she does, she should be invisible by now", offends me.

Baby Stepping

I had no idea just how much taking two weeks off from running would effect me. Of course, there is also the thick Atlanta humidity to take into consideration, but still....

Monday, I was excited to get back out on the road. I planned 5 miles. I set out and almost immediately, my body reminded me why I had taken a break. The area behind my left knee (which never bothered me before the half marathon) started to make itself known. I decided to just keep going. I can't stop for every ache and pain, I'd never get out of bed. I kept going, and everything was fine...not great, but, fine, up until around 2 1/2 miles. I managed to get to 3 miles before feeling like I really needed to just call it a day. I was disappointed with only 3 miles, so I walked a little, hoping to get a second wind. It didn't happen, but I did manage to walk/run another mile to bring me to 4miles for the day.

I came home and worked on new routines for my class later that night. It was good to feel some accomplishment.
Class was good. I added 3 new songs. They were good and challenging. Especially the squat track. Because I still believe that Jordan Catalano was singing "Red" to me, I used 30 Seconds to Mars - "Closer to the Edge" for the new squat track. It's hard, but I love it.
My knees weren't happy with me after that one, and I expected to be sore on Tuesday, but I must be doing something right because, I wasn't.

Tuesday is rest day, and even though I was itching to do something, I made myself hang out and lay low.

Today I had originally planned 10miles. My head was against me. Kept telling me that Monday sucked, today would suck too. And it was going to rain, so why bother. I hate my head sometimes.
I forced myself to put on my running gear. I set my Garmin for intervals. 90 mins. Whatever happened, happened.
Halfway through the intervals, it started raining. Barely. I might have noticed it more if I was standing still. I was at the park a mile from the house. I contemplated turning around and cutting the run short. What if it started pouring and here I was a mile from home? Well, I guess I'd run home in the rain, huh?
I decided to do the mile loop around the park. Not even halfway around, I decided to keep going and make it the mile and a half loop instead. Back to the start and heading the mile home. I zig zagged it a little to get some more mileage. The rain picked up some by this point, but still not enough to notice. Certainly not enough to wash the humidity blanket out of my path.
Almost home and I detoured around the 0.6mile loop around the small park across the street from my neighborhood.
I was at the last run cycle of my intervals when I got back to my house. I ran past to the end of the block and then walked it back to the house.
Just as I walked in the door, it started pouring.

The intervals definitely made this run better. I managed 5.31miles. Better than Monday, mentally and physically, if not time wise. Actually, I have no idea how my average pace compares. I wasn't out there today to break any records. I just wanted to get the miles in and get back on track.

I am going to give myself 2 weeks to get back to where I was. I hope to be back on a 5/10/5 running schedule for the week.

Races on deck:
May 28th - Memorial day 5k
June 2nd - Buford 10k (maybe)
July 4th - Peachtree Road Race (10k)
Oct 7th - Half Marathon

Much needed

I took a break from running after the half. At first, it was just going to be a week, but  then I taught my class on Monday, and could feel all the aches and pains that were lingering on. Then the end of the week came and we had the Glow in the Dark party at the studio and after 3hrs of that, I was beat. So, another week off. I'm finally starting to feel more like me. I'm inching to get back on the road, so Monday is the day.
I'm Looking at a couple of 5 and 10ks in the next month. Then July brings the Peachtree. After that I'll start working on half training again. Working on speed instead of just finishing. I already know I can finish

And then I became a Marathoner

(Because a half marathon is still a marathon)

There were some great things about this race. There were some really not great things about this race. The biggest thing is...I did it. I crossed the finish line at 3:31:05. I ran all but probably a half mile of it. And I feel every one of those miles.
More than anything, this was a learning experience. I learned a lot about what works for me, what doesn't, and what a good race should be.

Zooma Race Series, Atlanta at Lake Lanier Islands. April 22, 2012

We got there with plenty of time to spare. There was plenty of parking and we got right in and started the short walk down to the starting line. Now, right before we arrived, my husband asked if I needed to stop anywhere before hand. I SHOULD have stopped for the bathroom. But I didn't. So I ended up standing in line for close to 30 mins for the porta potty. You would think at a women's race, they would have had more, but they didn't.

I finished there with just enough time to walk across the parking lot, find my start group, kiss my husband and start running.

Right out of the starting gate, I saw a tall, beautiful, black girl breezy effortlessly by me. I knew it had to be Tes, founder of RunningNerds, and inspiration to many. I wanted to yell out to her, but the opportunity had been missed. She was in the zone, and probably wouldn't have heard me anyway.

Mile 1-4: Out of the parking lot, down the road to the clock tower and onto the bridge. This is where I encountered my first car issue. Two cars tried to cut off runners to get across the bridge. I think the idea was to have one lane for runners and one for cars, and the cars take turns going across the bridge in opposite directions. Only, they had no one there to direct that, so as the runners, still in large groups, since we hadn't reached a mile yet, were fighting for position against cars. So, these two cars that didn't want to wait for the truck coming in the opposite direction, decided to muscle the runners over so they could get across the bridge. I was able to get myself in front of one of them, then ran down the middle of the lane, blocking his way, so he was forced to slow down and yield to the runners. It's a sore spot with me, since I've had more than my fair share of car run ins while running around town
When we crossed the bridge, the lanes opened up and there was plenty of room for everyone. Through the front gate and around the flags and up the hill I had heard about before the race. "Bulldog bite". It wasn't that bad, I didn't think.
It was sometime around here, either on the bridge or this hill, that I saw Tes again. She was coming in the other direction. I watched her, trying to catch her eye. She was still in her zone. The moment I thought I had lost my opportunity, she looked at me and recognition flashed across her face. We had less than a moment to acknowledge each other and keep on moving.
Back down the hill and back through the gates, across the bridge, and heading back towards where we came from. Around mile 3, I saw my husband. It took me by surprise because I hadn't expected him to wait. I thought he would leave, then come back closer to my finish time.
Immediately after passing him, I saw two girls in RunningNerds 5k shirts. They saw my orange RunningNerds shirt and immediately starting pointing at their shirts and cheering me on.
I've never met these girls before, I don't even know their names, but their cheering for me meant everything to me. I would see them a couple more times through the race, and every time they would yell out "Go running nerd!!"
Heading to mile 4, was the big hill through the water park. I wasn't looking forward to going back up this one.

Mile 4-7: I found this stretch to be really dull and boring. It was out by the campsites and was just dull, dull, dull. It depressed me to think I had to come back through here a second time. Mile 5 was the turn around point, and I was still feeling good. I joked to the volunteers standing there to "Please tell me there are people behind me".

Miles 7-10 was a repeat of what I had already done. Back up the hill by the water park. Made it to the top and enjoyed the release my legs were feeling. Back across the bridge and around the flags and back up "Bulldog Bite" and around the parking lot and back down.
At this point, I was approaching mile 10, and I felt myself giving in, mentally.My head wanted to just be done already. I had been running for nearly 2 and a half hours by this point. I was tired. My knees were protesting, my hip was starting to join the conversation. I started to break, just a little. Passing water stations, I found volunteers packing up (or sleeping in come cases). It was a little defeating. Like they were trying to hurry us up, so they could be done. Or maybe it was just me, and the head space I was in at the time.
I saw my husband again around mile 10. He came over and tried to give me a pep talk. I didn't want to hear it, but I took it, because I knew he was trying. I was trying really hard to hold my shit together at that point. I really wanted to get through this thing without crying.

Mile 10-12: Back down that damn hill. My knees screaming the whole way. Once I got to 10.5 miles, I let myself walk for a bit. My plan had been to run to 10 miles, then do my intervals. By the time I got there, though, I completely through intervals out the window. I walked until I felt guilty for walking, then ran until I couldn't pick up my feet. I was going back through that dull, boring patch.
The volunteers at this point were just as bored as I was, I guess. They were texting, and one water station was completely packed up and abandoned. I got to the mile 12 marker and snapped a pic and texted it to my husband.

Mile 12-finish: Right after the 12 mile mark, a volunteer told me I was almost there. No, I'm not, shut up. I didn't say that out loud. I said "Not close enough".  At mile 12.5 I lost the ability to hold my shit together. The tears started and didn't stop. The song that popped up on my playlist did not help. Whoever put "The Story" by Brandi Carlile on my running playlist is an idiot (that would be me).
I got to the roundabout and was told to go to the right and the finish was downhill. Thanks, but downhill is not a blessing right now. I could hear the announcer and see the finish line just around the corner. All I wanted to do was cross that line and be DONE.
About that time, I saw Tes, and my two RunningNerd girls standing by the finish line. They started calling out my name and cheering me on. I reached down and pulled out some last bit of energy and sprinted across the finish.
My husband took a video of me crossing the finish and it still makes me tear up to watch it. You can see me wiping tears from my face. He came over and hugged me and I just started bawling. I said "I'm done. I have nothing left"

I couldn't stand, but I couldn't really sit either. Everything hurt. I took a moment to look for Tes and the other girls so I could thank them for cheering me on throughout the race. I found one girl, but wasn't able to find the other, or Tes.

I was ready to get to the car, and the ice packs I had brought in a cooler. We walked over to where the trolley was taking people the near mile back to parking. We didn't get on the first trolley and had to wait about 15mins for the next one. I sat on the sidewalk and took my shoes off and tried to massage my feet and stretch out my legs. things were starting to seize up and I just really wanted to be in my car heading home.
The trolley pulled up and I got up and hobbled to the steps. Just as I was getting on, a woman in a volunteer shirt cut in front of me and swooped in and took the last seat. The rest of us were packed in, literally smooshed up against each other, standing, holding on to the strap. As the trolley moved, I was swaying back and forth and felt sicker and sicker. My stomach was not happy. As I stood there, trying not to puke, I got to listen to this volunteer tell a couple of women how long of a day she'd had. How she ran registration that morning, then headed to the finish to help hand out necklaces. How, when she was walking from the start to the finish, a trolley stopped for her, and they joked about how he wasn't supposed to do that, so don't tell anyone. Oh, hahaha, what an amusing story. Not really.

Which pretty much summed up how I felt about the race. I've since seen a lot of other comments that concur with my opinion. A lot of people felt that the race was poorly organized and that some of the volunteers were less than desirable.
There was no GU on the course, like advertised. I didn't bother with the after-party, but I've heard the massages were also missing, and the lunch was pretty sparse. Apparently you had to pay for bananas, too. I've never been to a race where bananas weren't part of the finish line fare.

Compare that to the MUCH smaller 10K I did a week prior in San Francisco, where they were giving out chocolate milk, coconut water, a pancake breakfast, and beer ...ALL FREE.

I've already signed up for another half marathon, but I can't see myself doing Zooma again.